Special K is Cooled Off…by Lisa Harmon September 9, 2008

I know I’m a posting fool right now. There are times when I’ll put up a new post every 3-4 days. This is not one of those times. When I feel the urge to write it off, ya’ll get a post almost every day. My hair may be flat, but my writing is voluminous! We have to live without a new pic today: no camera yet. Maybe later today?

This pic is a thing of the past, since he doesn’t have the fencepost ears anymore. But it’s a good shot of his happy face, which I am seeing lots of the past few days. Besides, big or not, that pink puppy tongue is a reminder of the days gone by when he used to stick it out in his sleep! 

Several years ago, I had a conversation with an exceptional young person about the difference between being reactive and responsive. Even at 17 she had some serious wisdom. Odd how something doesn’t mean much when it’s said, but comes to life later on. Come to life it has, at least for me. 

A responsive person has fixed boundaries, where no means no and it doesn’t change according to changing situations, or a changing cast of characters. They are remarkably steady and comfortable with themselves, not shifting with the winds as it were. They plan ahead, but not in an anxious, obsessive sort of way.

A reactive person is in a frame of mind where they are at the mercy of whatever happens. There is a sense of insecurity about them, not being in control of their lives, being hyper-vigilant and brittle. That’s Mom, and to some existing extent still, me. We lived with 30 plus years of my abusive father, trying to survive by reacting to and avoiding every situation, every moment when he could go off.

Most of the ability to influence Dad fell on me, so I developed a highly intuitive sense of him, and it warped my intuition of everyone outside of that messed up circle. Mom just took it, and so did my brother. Well into my 30’s I was that hyper-vigilant, brittle person always waiting, preparing for the harm someone might do. It’s taken a few years to peel away what parts of that person I have set aside. It’s still there, though, the ugly, wasted, life wasting thing.

Mom was, and is, the passive and yielding person in relationships. She was just beginning to take control of her life after my father’s death, and decide the things she allowed to enter it. But both of us fell back into that old pattern when my brother showed up for the third time: I protect, Mom endures until she can’t take it anymore, well past what she reasonably should. Kenai has paid for my trying to protect BB all the time, and BB has paid for Mom’s instability.

It’s been tremendously hard for her, but I think she’s seen that she cannot live like this and survive. Being told, and I quote “don’t bug me”, when she wants her granddaughter out of her house for awhile. Emily shows up on weekdays, despite Mom having said no. Emily stay for days without leaving the house for so much as a happy meal when she agreed to one day. Not expecting rent and utility money so he can save up for his own place, while Mike buys computers and video game stuff.

I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t have kicked him out long ago, just for the utter disregard he shows to Mom’s wishes, in Mom’s house, while he lives off of her fast dwindling retirement. Her health has deteriorated, her routines are shot, her life is spent waiting in anxiousness for the next stunt. There’s always a next stunt, which is a sad thing. 

She’s a wreck, all because she still functions in the attitude that whatever happens isn’t in her control to accept or refuse ahead of time, and she can’t inflict consequences if ignored. Mom’s going from reaction to reaction, with no solid boundaries until she’s too angry and put upon to hold back her anger. Absorb the disrespect, hold your tongue, then explode without imposing consequences that hurt enough to make it stick.

Instead of taking her frustration out on the person who’s caused it, she lays it on BB. For stuff like being hyper when she’s the one who didn’t take him to play it off. Somehow she expects this even more reactive creature to respond against his nature when she doesn’t expect it of herself or Mike?

And she holds that grudge against the dog, who really cannot decide how to feel and react, all day. BB goes crazy under that constant displeasure. Hell, I can’t stand to listen to it. If I didn’t have Kenai to care for and train, BB would long ago have become my dog. 

One destructive cycle creates others, like swirling currents, and only the most resolute of people manage not to be sucked under by the riptide. Our home isn’t a home, it’s a washing machine, with an extra spin cycle! I’ve decided to climb out of the tub, and let the hardships be what they may be on others. I can’t, I won’t, absorb the stress and mitigate anymore. I still feel badly though, watching it all.

♥

Kenai’s been very much returning to his calmer self with the changes I’ve made. Especially the reinstating of regular 2 a days outside. Sunday morning’s run we had lots of fun playing hide and seek, though I noticed he wasn’t running as hard or as long as usual—sore legs. So I hooked up the leash and we just walked, not heeling, just walking. It wasn’t a satisfying playtime for him, and showed in a touch of restlessness by afternoon, after a loooooooooonnnnnnnnnggggg nap.

Dinner on the stove Sunday had Mom and BB in the kitchen, so there wasn’t any rumpus play for special K. He had to stay on his bed, and didn’t do it well: 5 minutes max if I was up and on the other side cooking. I let him come stand with me, shielded from BB’s bite me games by the island. Monday he had not just the kitchen, but the whole house to wander while I cooked—BB was in his pen.

I let him run, now, when we go outside sore legs or not. Run, run, run, and run some more. Up and around the pool, back to the field, out to the front yard. He plays hard and long, my big guy. I’m managing up to 20 minutes at a time despite the FMS/CFS, twice a day. Another victory to notch on the tally sheet! I walk less, and try to get him to play hide and seek more. God I’m tired…

Sunday evening he wanted to continue the games with his brother. Mom was back to her bitch-about-everything-BB-does habit, irritable and jumpy. Kenai didn’t want to settle down, with Mom’s attitude and BB’s unexercised bouncing about. I left the barrier open for him, but he kept trying to play rough and tumbles with his brother, even through the expen. It took me an hour of off and on mild corrections, and a bone to get him to park on a bed.

He got argumentative once, and a snout snatch did the trick: straight on, in his face, ‘I said NO’. He gave it up. The agreeable chew on a knuckle bone seemed to chill him out, and he came up on the couch for a snooze. So Monday night, we went upstairs at 7:30 pm. I could bathe and we could play without additional influences or distractions affecting Kenai negatively.

Is it me, or does the extra run time do him good? Yay! Only the one minor bout of “I don’t want to” for two whole days, and only around his brother and Mom. How’s that for B-E-T-T-E-R! What a relief. I don’t like correcting him so much—he’s a good boy, with a super gentle nature, and a graceful spirit. He gets his feelings hurt and withdraws if he’s in too much trouble. He may look like a dominant brute with all those muscles, but he’s tender too, soft and strong at the same time.

I can’t recall if I’ve said this on a post before, but the word dominant has picked up connotations from misuse that it doesn’t deserve. Dominant doesn’t mean oppressive, aggressive, or over-bearing. Dominance is leadership. We humans are the ones that confuse and misuse dominance.

A dominant dog knows who he is, doesn’t feel the need to pick a fight, but won’t back down from an insecure bully either. They walk into a pack like they own it, and usually will. There is a calm certainty about them that is a stabilizing influence. A dominant dog is a natural leader, with a gift for keeping the creatures in his or her environment balanced.

Kenai has the tendency to dominance, having a strong personality. But he is gentle about it. Big Brown wants to walk in and do his business, do what he’s told without being bothered. When he’s in the mood, then the wrestling play is on unless I intervene.

He doesn’t like the swing and smash that BB provokes by his endless nipping. BB is just crazy silly, desperate for interaction. He’s a touch unstable, and Kenai tries to rebuke the wildness and maintain his dignity at the same time. He gets frustrated!

He doesn’t go crazy as his brother when he nails him for being a butt—if you watch, Kenai is extraordinarily careful not to step on BB, or get after his bad leg. But he won’t put up with being nipped all the time, or interfered with when his body and energy says “leave me alone”. Beebs isn’t exactly a respectful pup.

When Kenai is walking by, he’s got something to do. When he’s waiting for his food, it isn’t time to play. When he’s holding a stay, he’s working, so he gives his brother a quick “back off” and returns to what he’s supposed to do. Until BB comes back for more, anyway. Some days, BB just won’t let it lie. Some days, Beebs is just laying on his bed and Kenai will pounce. If it’s not one, it’s the other. BOYS!!

This fall when MY brother is gone, I’m wanting to figure and balance the relationship between the Brother’s Grin. Right now, there’s too much else that cannot be ignored, like providing my toffee tank with his needed exercise. I think though, that the first step to stabilizing the Brother’s Grin is getting first Mom, then BB chilled out.

Unfortunately, that’s up to Mom, and she just isn’t capable of it right now—too stressed, too much of a hair trigger. She needs to stabilize herself, because she has been a reactive person for decades. Switching to being a responsive but not reactive person will be a huge challenge for her. Once she does it, though, I believe BB will fall in line far easier.